Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
