I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
