You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
