Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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