Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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