You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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