You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I deserve this hangover.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
