Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
