"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize