This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
