trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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