2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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