Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
