grandma shit on top of the toilet
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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