Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
