I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
