can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
