just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
