I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
