last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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