somebody snuck up and got me drunk
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
