you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
