if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My first STD was from a foam party
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
