Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
