I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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