Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
