oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
