Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
