Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
