...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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