Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Randomize
