3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
