i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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