the condom got lost in my hair
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
