I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
