I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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