Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You took a bar mat shot.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
