I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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