last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
