I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
