Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize