so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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