If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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