But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So squirting runs in the family.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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