who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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