I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
