i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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