Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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