we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
