i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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