She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Randomize
