I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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