I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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