Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize