Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
