"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize