She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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